It hits me unexpectedly. I’m curled in a blanket, head nestled in my pillow. The cool air of the fan is making the loose strands of hair tickle my skin. I’m reading all the duas I can, revising Pathology in my head, trying hard to fall asleep. It’s 4:19am.
My mind springs back to a time I was woken up from sleep. 12:00am. My 17th birthday. The last one at home.
I remember my not very enthusiastic reaction to my parents and sister standing around the cake, singing Happy Birthday.
Oh how I wish I’d have screamed and jumped with excitement instead.
I remember smiling and flipping just a page of the surprise birthday scrapbook my mom and sister had crafted with so much love. They filled it with pictures of every year of my life, of every special event, of my closest people and notes from my friends. I remember not giving mom the tightest hug in the world, the kind that doesn’t let you breathe. I remember my sisters beaming face. I wish I had kissed her chubby 11 year old cheeks. I remember my dad smiling at me. And quietly whispering “I told you not to wake her up. She’s so tired and uninterested.” to mom. I wish I hadn’t made them feel that way. I remember mom’s smile curl slightly downwards, the shine in her eyes dimming, which she instantly corrected. I remember her trying to show that it didn’t matter that I wasn’t excited. I should have been. Of course it mattered.
I thanked you all profusely the next day but I wish I had made you all feel like it was worth it, that very moment. Because it was. I don’t know how many times my fingers have turned the construction paper pages and how many times my eyes have scanned those pictures. I’m not sure if I’ve read those notes 90 times or hundred and one times. I love you people. A thousand times, with a thousand lives. And I miss you guys.
Been ages since I updated this little space…
The year 2016 and a third of 2017 were distressful for me. A small part of the reason was that I had just moved out from home but a larger part was that I was facing problems with the people I started living with.
Each day was a new day of disappointments, sorrow and loneliness. I wasn’t thinking about giving up on life or even leaving college but I was giving up on people. I was giving up on goodness and love.
It was disheartening to drag my feet through the hours of the day, hoping for it to pass faster as the turbulent waters of overthinking and negativity slowly sucked me in. I had always been a sensitive person who minutely read into people’s expressions. I over observed every scowl, every smile, every frown and even caught secret glances. I felt like everything happening was somehow all my fault. Even then I tried to make peace, internally and externally. To smile at those wanting to wipe it off.
I used to cling on to every moment of happiness and string them together like a pretty pearl necklace but the pearls were worthless plastic.
My deepest and only connection was Allah. I’d pour my heart out in prayers and just hope for things to get better. And as every dua blooms in His garden, so did this. Things started changing around me and in no time the people who didn’t like me became closer than before.
Now, I have formed strong connections with most of them and everything is really good Alhumdulillah.
All I have to say is trust Allah and always do right on your part. Insha Allah things will align.
The same place and people I had started to despise, is now a carnival of memories for me.
The same sky with the rain clouds gives birth to rainbows.
Your rainbow will come shining through.
Some days when you’re dwelling in a daydream
sipping your coffee and watching the cream,
a golden hue,
swirl into ephemeral shapes
and glow against the dark brew
does a feeling of emptiness
You feel the presence of a gaping hole in your heart,
threatening to tear you apart.
It didn’t exist until not long ago
and now refuses to let you go
as it transforms into a bottomless pit,
dragging you in.
You feel weak, incapable of filling it up.
You feel it’s impossible to conquer it.
Let me tell you what I’ve learnt.
It doesn’t have to be conqured.
Let it fill up at it’s own pace.
Let your emotions get deposited layer by layer, stronger than before.
It may be slow like the formation of a star or quick like an explosion.
And never forget,
this empty space means there is more room to grow
and that whatever once filled it was meant to be let go.
P.s. Credits for the last two lines- Erin Hanson
Love is different for everyone and to think that it speaks and works the same way for 7 billion people wouldn’t be fair. But here’s what love is for me, as I’ve come to realise.
I’ve come to understand that love isn’t all of a sudden. It is not like tripping over a wire and helplessly tumbling into a deep pit named love. It isn’t seeing someone and going gaga over them. It is not investing countless emotions and one sided attraction and it certainly is not something that happens overnight.
It is more like being slowly and softly walked down a path leading to a place called love. It is floating forward on small waves, and as you float, you feel a slight pinch here, a little electricity there. Then it hits you, a little later, or maybe even later like a crashing wave dousing you. That’s when you realize that this is love.
Love doesn’t have to come barging in through the door, shaking the entire house and making your heart beat ten times faster at an uncomfortable rate. It can tiptoe in softly and cuddle quietly next to you like a cat. And make you feel warmer and more peaceful. Yes, it will still make your heart beat faster, maybe flutter sometimes, but you will feel peace and contentment.
It’s one of those nights tonight
when every breath
that fills your lungs
is laced with dread
and every quiver
of your heart
feels like a dart
aimed at your chest.
It’s one of those nights tonight
when every beat hammers in you
all the way up to your head
travel down your spine,
and snuggle in bed.
Your horrors dance before your eyes
your demons prance, plotting your demise.
The world seems like it’s burning, reducing to ashes.
It’s one of those nights tonight
when you have to take a deep breath and remember
That it gets better
Remember that the very same lungs
breath in poetry and stardust
and that your chest, its knot unfurled
can carry the weight of the world.
Make the shivers dance
to the rythm of your heart
Remember how a goldsmith heats and hammers the metal
And that a diamond forms under immense pressure
And how Ibrahim walked out of that fire, stronger than ever.
I have tried, very hard, to love and give
without expecting because
if you’re expecting in return
they say it isn’t the same bliss.
I’ve always read that you shouldn’t ruminate
on the good and great
you’ve done, you shouldn’t expect the same love back because
if, if you do so, your
love isn’t so pure.
If you expect anything back then what you’re doing is swapping, it’s business.
But how do you teach this to the soft curves and turns of your heart? How do you train it to not expect warmth from the ones you give all your warmth to? Who you’d do so much for. Do you teach it to value others more than they value you? Is it really fair to do that? Should you give and keep giving till you’re all spent? Isn’t love about caring and being cared for?
Humans survive by giving and receiving.
If you care for someone and go out of your way to make them feel better is it so wrong to want them to show concern on your bad days? Is it selfish to want them to do a little for you? To pamper you when you need it. To sit next to you and just rub your shoulders, to ask if you need some food and paracetamol when it looks like you do. To do what you’d do for them in a heartbeat. Is it too much to ask for? Is it being selfish?
I hope not.
This is something I typed when I was extremely frustrated and has been sitting stagnant and forgotten in my drafts folder for over a year. Let it finally see the light (no pun intended)
I get really flipped out when people continuously crib and sulk about things. Especially the things they got themselves into and are doing absolutely nothing to get out of.
Yes, I get it. You may not like it, it may not be what you expected or it may just be really bad and you express that. It’s acceptable to an extent but continuously whining for days at length is not done. Please please let my peace of mind stay intact.
What is the point of saying I wish I hadn’t or I wish it wasn’t? These wishes are not going to happen. The situation is here and it is here to stay. But you do not have to mope about it all day long to everyone all the time. What you can do is figure out ways to improve it. To change it. Seeing how you can adapt to it. It might be a dark cloud following you, not letting the light through but only if you refuse to see the silver lining. And then you will know that it is not what it seems it was and is much better and easier. In fact it may be a lot better than what you wanted. It may present a whole new world of opportunities.
Take it like a dirty chest with some gold in it. Always, always try to see the best in things.
When you go digging for gold, you focus on the gold and not on the amount of dirt you have to throw out.
Had there been a time
When you hadn’t seen your smile
For so long that you forgot
Just what it looked like?
You forgot how your dimple
carves into your right cheek
And how your dark eyes enkindle
You forgot how one side curls
A little more than the other
And how prominent your canines are.
You didn’t remember how
your eyes twinkle
And how, near the end of your brow,
You didn’t remember how beautiful you look when you smile.
Has it ever been so long?
I hope it hasn’t.
And I hope it never will be.
I was a little sad today because part of me felt lonely and empty. I’ve just returned to my university from home and I’m still a little homesick.
I was simply sitting in the room at around 7 pm and just happened to glance skywards. What I saw took my breath away.
The sky was a stunning shade of purple, with yellow bubbling clouds lined with deep crimson.
I usually click a lot of photos but today all I did was just sit there and feel the sky in my soul and paste it in the back of my eyelids. A few minutes later I saw a few fireflies and it just made my heart glow ❤ It feels amazing to have these small things that usually seem unimportant and insignificant to remind you how beautiful the world is.
It feels like Allah is constantly watching over you and telling you to keep your chin up and smile. Showing you a hundred reasons to be happy. I hope I never become someone who cannot see these beautiful things and find happiness in them.